Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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