It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
its liver damage thursday
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
