You smell like a Billy Joel song
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
