Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm getting married
To pizza
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Randomize
