tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
