I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
