I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
