i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
