I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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