Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
