Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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