dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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