Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
