my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
