The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
