Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So much rum. So many feels.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
