His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I wish you could order shots online.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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