sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
