I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
