Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
