So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
