Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
how does that bad decision feel?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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