If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
