I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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