No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
