I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
