A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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