I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
