Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
