I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
