I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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