I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
