she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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