I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
