Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
