you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
it's like heaven, but drunker
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
