I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
