I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
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Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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