I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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