You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
