what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
