tell your sister to shave her snatch
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
