awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
