end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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