we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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