Well douche your snatch and let's go!
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
