If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I AM VODKA MAN
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
