you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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