Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
