I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
