he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
