I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
